Thursday, August 1, 2013

Back in Black

My back sucks.  All I want to do about it all day is whine.  I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, I'd say.  I had one natural birth and attempted to have a second one until the obstetrician realized my baby was just too damn big to be born that way, so I know a little bit about pain.  Birth pain is not sudden and shocking, like "oh man, i just broke my arm."  Although I also have broken my collarbone when I was seven, and it was very painful as well.  So much so that I still remember how it felt almost 30 years later.  But those things mend.  Eventually.  My C-section was painful but mostly it was just scary.  i couldn't even look at the scar or touch it for a week or two because it was just...too strange.  it still feels weird and gross even now and i hate for anyone to touch it.   But it's not painful anymore.

My back is painful every day.  it's not the same pain every day.  it's not even always in the same place every day.  i don't know when it's going to hurt, and when it won't.  i take alleve every single day, twice a day, and it doesn't really do that much.  i'm scared to do things like jump off the bus onto the curb.  i move like an old lady.  sometimes when i'm sitting on our really crappy couch i can't get up and mike has to pull me.  i've had an MRI.  i've had acupuncture.  i'm still doing physical therapy, which is the one thing that seems to work but i have to do it constantly and it is sooooo slow even if I do.

i feel like it's not fair that i have to be in pain all the time.  but i also feel like complaining about it is incredibly selfish and stupid.  some people are in serious pain and discomfort every single minute of the day.  some people live on the streets.  some people have lost someone they love.  some people are being denied basic human rights.  but it is something i think about every day, most of the day.  it affects everything i do or want to do.  it is affecting my ability to get in shape and lose the extra 40 pounds that makes people ask me when i'm due, which in turn makes me depressed and even less apt to get in shape.  which makes me feel weak-willed and even more depressed.  i know it wasn't always like this, but i can't remember what it was like to not be afraid of hurting when i moved.

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